my sisters under your porch take her home
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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