Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
