just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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