im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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