well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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