So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
