i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
