Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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