theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
