I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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