Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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