I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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