you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize