I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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