i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
