Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
