my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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