Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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