Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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