i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
