You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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