where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize