I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so let's talk penis.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
