Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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