some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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