Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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