Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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