You smell like stripper and shame
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize