I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
