why im i the only drunk person in the library?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
