they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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