Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
