I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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