If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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