He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
