I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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