'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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