thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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