i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
