I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize