First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
