dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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