I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
