I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
