Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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