So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
