Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize