I will die if light touches me.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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