shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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