I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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