This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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