i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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