it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize