Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
