Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
