Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
