I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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