Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
